whennevercomes2

~Introduction~

"My god, my god --- why has thou forsaken me?"

---Psalms 22

We all have ways of rationalizing about whatever hand we've been dealt in life. We offer ourselves platitudes like our faith in god, to pull us through life's challenges. In fact, the basis of religion is probably just as much about reconciling ourselves with dying, as it is anything else.

Some of us need more than the simple claims of religion to feel like part of the family, so we turn to philosophy. In life's terrific struggle, we get past dreary realities by saying things like, "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger." With all due respect to Friedrich Nietzsche, that kind of sentiment has little pull with those of us who've felt struggle give way to out and out suffering. It looks like there's enough of that to go around for all of us. Since childhood, I'd always asked myself: "Does it really have to be this way?"

With the handful of alliances I've managed to scratch together for myself, those closest to me will happily point out how nuts I am. They appreciate me enough to be straight forward, which is the best way to deal with someone who values honestly above all else. That I be honest with myself, is just as important. Bearing in mind that delusion is one of the symptoms of my illness, it's tempting to think that for whatever reason, I chose this life for myself, and that there was a reason I had this restless brain. In the essays that follow, you'll see what I mean by "restless."

One of the few advantages of having your own mind as your worst enemy, is in how it helps to sharpen one's resolve in life. You can either learn to control it, or let it overcome you. The results of this mental tug of war are what underpins these writings. Having been diagnosed as bipolar, there was a certain relief that came from this label that's been stuck onto me. But now that I've been so labeled, there's also this fear that I'll let my illness come to define me.

Because of the sometimes lightning like speed in which the manic mind works, it was tempting to think that the edge provided by such fleetness of thought would offer a decided advantage in life. So far anyway, it hasn't. Mental illness, heightened awareness --- call it what you will. It does call into question any hopes for a prosperous future. Sometimes, I scare people.

While the wind may have been let out of my sails after the diagnosis on that October day in 1989, at least there was finally a reason behind why I sometimes feel so out of sorts with my fellow humans. It also figured into why I've always had all those raw, endless questions milling through my mind since early childhood. In a master stroke of delusion, I thought I'd try and answer some of them.

These writings are deeply personal from time to time, but they're also a bid to help begin a new (and sorely overdue) kind of dialogue too. The following text is presented as a way for us to get in touch with a part of ourselves that so many of us have learned how to

ignore --- the inner voice. It's a part many of us never even knew existed in fact, although we've all heard it at some point in our often chaotic lives. Trouble is, most of us have learned, or have been taught how to ignore that whispering in our heads.

These writings hopefully can come to represent the inner self found in all of us. It's a part that most of us wouldn't dare let sneak out from under lock and key. Forgive my arrogance, but maybe to some extent anyway;

I can help do that for you. If that should fail, then at the very least --- you can consider all this wordplay an open ticket to a good night's sleep.

Forgive this initial bout of self indulgence, but it's difficult to escape the subjectivity of self. I've long given up trying. That said, what I offer here is an internal dialogue of sorts. It begins as a somewhat laborious monologue that very much wishes to be externalized, and to be released into the world consciousness. It presumes to initiate the kind of thinking that stems from an innate and primal need to exceed our own programming. If you believe yourself to be exempt from such a programming, then ask yourself if you're truly satisfied with how things have been going for you up till now. Congratulations if you are. For most of us, the time for a little bit of reprogramming is way passed overdue. It's time for a change in scenery.

These mental meanderings will speak in part about the change that's already here, and how we should face up to it, even embrace it. It should also be noted that the issues raised here were fueled by a fervent sense of urgency. Perhaps it was the fear that I wouldn't live to see 43 that spurred me on. In lieu of having children, maybe I figured this exercise to be my mortal attempt at leaving something of myself behind.

*Now it appears as though I'll make that 43 year milestone. Because that sense of urgency's still here, I find that some of the topics discussed have an odd social relevance (I began this exercise in fall of 1997, well before 9/11/2001). Most would agree it was a more innocent time back then, but inexorable changes were carried in the wind. There's a cold reality that's been thrust upon us, and a strange stink hangs in the air. Either that, or I forgot to defrost my 'fridge. Before 2001, it was my hope that we could come to view change as something to be embraced, not feared. Now I'm not so sure. But, just in case there's still a future for humanity, onward I'll brazenly trudge.

We live in a universe that's far less static than we'd like to admit. Despite our protest, the processes of its evolution are likely to sweep over us. This will happen, whether or not we approve. Heedless of our needs and wants, change does come. We have very little to say or do that will prevent it from coming. However, most of the changes we face today are being propagated upon us by forces we are able to control. Despite the rhetoric offered by religion and government, whatever future awaits us will be of our own choosing (barring some unforeseen natural catastrophe).

If problems seem insurmountable, they can conquer us. But, if we act together with a common cause, we'll find that the wheel's still in our hands. It's high time we begin acting in ways to own up to this fact. We must face this challenge together, rather than deferring responsibility to our chosen leaders. When will we evolve beyond the need of being tended like so many sheep? It's no longer so much a question of "if" as it is of "when," and the time is now.

For a time, I thought of my writings as nothing more than an exercising of my manic mind. Looking over them now though, I'm finding that themes which seemed hopelessly irrelevant in 1997, are suddenly appearing front and center on the world stage. Bearing in mind that the manic mind is capable of some pretty lofty stuff, here were some of the things I felt compelled to discuss:

Cloning, gene re-sequencing, artificially derived intelligence, and even our capacity for becoming virtual immortals. What once seemed hopelessly idealistic, are no longer out of the question. The truth is, it used to be much simpler to turn our eyes from the future, and to pretend it wouldn't concern us. As we approach the next 100 years, we'll know better. I don't need to have gotten any boy scout merit badges to know that it's best to be prepared.

In spite of how we tend to deny the kinds of changes that would ultimately arrive on our doorsteps, we'd always taken it on faith that there would still be a tomorrow for us. Let's hope that's true. When talking about how the fabric of our society will be utterly transformed (for better or for worse), why not also begin preparing for when never comes?

In order to prepare for our futures, maybe we can no longer depend on the traditional ways of conducting our business. Political and religious views are no longer protecting us as they may have in the past, yet we continue to insist that they're what's best for our cause. Well, some of us are getting impatient in waiting for some kind of salvation to come. In one way or another, a new reality is dawning. At least I hope so. Otherwise, an island I'll remain.

I for one am getting sick & tired of all this religion stuff, at least in the organized sense. Maybe I want to create one of my own. Don't worry, I'm taking pills for that kind of thinking. At any rate, a new reality is quickly demanding a shift in focus. Since this current reality in which we're mired seems not to be working so well, it's only a matter of time before we start demanding a new one.

But how do we accept this new version of reality, much less prepare ourselves for living in it? Here's my attempt (vain though it might be) to cast another droplet into the sea of world consciousness. It's my fervent wish that some of the ripples it might create will eventually wash up on a kinder and more tolerant shore someday.

I hope that whatever permutations are generated now don't become waves of dissent, as the waters stirred here are sure to breed some misunderstanding. This text, if anything, should be regarded as nothing more than a working template to what might be our future. Think of it as a simple understructure to whatever meaning time will hopefully assign to it.

Of the essays to follow, it's far more important to me that some of these ideas are allowed to seep out into the world, than it is for me to profit from them. Given the timeliness of some of the content, maybe that's why there was always such a sense of urgency behind them. I felt something immensely significant was about to unfold, hence my urgency. It's that same sense of urgency that's brought me here, and to where ever it may someday lead.

--- Eric Fournier (February 1998)

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